Sick and tired
by Taana
Summary: Post X2. Basically a little fic with some Roganangst and later romance. I think . Rating can change. Songfic first two chapters a song that my brother has written and has the legal rights to, and I have his permission to use it.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything that relates to the X-men. The lyrics are owned by Lex and the ladies and are from the song "Sick and tired".

This fic is not beta'd so, please, if you could help me with spelling and/or grammar mistakes I would be really happy. If you want to listen to this song, you can go to www. Lex and the ladies . com (without the space-things. Argh. I get so mad at this) and "download" it from there.

I will continue this, both the song and the story.

(I'm really bad at this uploading stuff. It always goes wrong. I've uploaded this story like 15 times. This is my last time. If it doesn't work now I will just forget doing this.)

**_vxvxvx-xvxvxv-xvxvxv-vxvxvx-vxvxvxv-vxvxvxv-vxvxvxv-vxvxvxv-vxvxvxv-xvxvxv-vxvxvx_**

_Believe me, I will do what I can to survive now  
You know me, this ain't making me feel much alive at all_

While walking during nighttime, you meet a lot of strange people. Or, they would have been strange if you weren't one of them.

Every night I take at least a 6 kilometres walk around the mansion. During that time I often meet many of my teachers and friends trying to, just like me, walk until it's day and forget that (as always) sleep weren't an option.

Scott is usually just outside the kitchen, sitting in a corner in the hallway, invicible to the untrained eye. We never talk, him and I. Sometimes I think he doesn't even know I'm there. I don't mind that, since I'm just passing by. I like to believe that I'm sort of watching over him, that I'm taking care of him, in a very silent way. You can say that I'm paying back...

When you've walked past the kitchen and past the halls where the students have their rooms you meet Storm. She's walking just like me, with rain in her eyes. It always rain during the night. Once I saw her standing in one of the huge windows in the teachers' hall. She just stood there and watched as the rain poured down. Sometimes, when I walk past, she puts her hand on my shoulders for a second or two, looking me straight in my eyes and the just continues walking.

I don't think that I'm allowed to be in the teachers' hall during anytime without a good reason, but no one have the strength to care anymore.

_Alive. At all._

My nightly route includes a walk past the entrence hall, though I rarley go in there. That's Logan's area, where he protects us from another attack. Though I don't believe that's the real reason. But it's probably the only thing right now that helps him to keep his sanity.

He, like everyone else, doesn't say a word to me. I know that he knows I'm there, his senses wouldn't fail him that much. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk, at least not with me. That hurts. It hurts because I want to know what's bothering him (some I already know, since Liberty Island, but I want more). No, want is to lame. I need to know. I simply have to be the one that he trusts, if he had to pick just one. I know he loved her, though the exact depth of his feelings I'm not sure of. Just a week after our return from Alkali Lake I tried to make him open up to me, but he shaked his head and said that he was fine.

_You're lying, I can tell by the look in your eyes now.  
I know you, let me know what you hide, if your wise now._

I walk by Logan several times a night, just to make sure that he's still there. It's unusual for him to stay in one place for as long as he has now (about four months... and three days). I'm afraid that maybe he is going to leave, and this time for good. He hasn't made any promises either way.

I so want him to trust me enough, to let me in (and not in a sexual way, though I wouldn't mind that either. Well, if I could. Which I can't. And anyway, it wont happen, I know that). But he don't want me there. In any way.

_I am on your side  
Swallow your pride_

I know I'm obesessed by Logan. I can't help it and frankly I wouldn't want to change it. Maybe it's partly because I know that I never will have to endure physical contact with him, at least not now. I don't think that I will ever again want to feel someone on my bare skin. It's better to live a life of celibacy. Then I wont hurt anyone again. And I wont be suffering even more from some sort of multiple personality disorder. 'Cause that's what it feels like, to have more than you in your head.

Now I'm the one lying. I do wont to be able to touch, though I know that's never going to happen. If I just could ... but it's futile to wish the unwishable.

I've broken up with Bobby. Or, we decided maturely and wisely that the Rogue and Bobby-thing wouldn't work. I'm in love with someone else and he's starving for human (mutant) touch, now more than ever, since he left his family behind.

And now I'm so afraid. Of losing Logan. Of flying. Of sleeping. Of touch.

Logan will confied in me. Until then, I will just walk passed him and the others and watch. Silently protect them.

_I'm sick and tired of this mess, I wont talk to you 'til you confess what you've done.  
I want the truth no more, no less, I got half of it (now) give me the rest._


End file.
